Why You Should Take Mushrooms (especially if you are morally against them)

Wait a goddamned minute, you skittering scoundrel, before you get all excited and loose the lemmings that are your ignorant beliefs.  I want to be clear as Al Franken’s conscience when I say FIRST and FOREMOST that ANY drug you are not familiar with should be treated as a possible toxin.  However, I’ve only done mushrooms once, and I did not have visuals.  So it’s not like I’m some drug expert.  Quite the contrary, I’m terrified to the point of contentment in capping the whole affair at mushrooms and saying good-day to the more chaotic side of my consciousness.  I’m not a visual artist, and while a “trip” may be really neat, for me the benefit of Mushrooms is the high before the trip, and if you’re moderate about how much you take, you can simply have the best high of your life without any visuals at all.  That is exactly what I experienced, and I can truly say that, in the sense of feeling unified and at peace with where I fit in with this crazy ‘world’ we’re all trying to have identities and voices in… it was the best night of my entire mind’s life.

I will exclude org, food and nasal gasms from the contender’s list.

I do not need to know who you are, where you’re from, what you did in order to recommend a mushroom high.  Maybe you hate escapism?  My mushroom experience did not feel like an escape.  It felt like a road map that hugged me when I understood it.  It felt like constant positive reinforcement for learning.  It felt like I couldn’t have enough close friends or possibly stop doing good in my environment for anything.  It made good the only option, and there was nothing linguistic or ambiguous about it.  It was Nirvana.

So there you have it: I want everyone to experience Nirvana, and I don’t even have to start a cult about it.  Just try a small amount of mushrooms and report back to me.  I can’t wait to hear the wonderful experiences you had.

Cohabitation and personal change

I was talking with a co-worker this afternoon, and she mentioned how after so much time with her S.O. she was beginning to feel that “everything you do irritates me” feeling.  I know this feeling.  Fortunately, and thanks in no small part to my wife, I also know what it’s like when that feeling is conquered and begins to fade.  While my coworker and I talked, I suggested two sort-of rudimentary ways to approach the issue.  Now that I am home and have stepped away from the conversation I thought I would toss it out into the blogoshpere and see what comes back(even though I rarely get non-suspect comments from real readers on this blog, and that’s probably my own fault for being half insane).  The two approaches I suggested were fairly polar, and I realize that can be problematic, but a lot of relationship issues do tend to lack a wealth of approaches.  I will comment on that more later, for now I’ll recap:

In my opinion, she could A) Listen to her gut (meditate, force-conclusion, ego-mirror, etc) and decide whether or not the relationship she is in is one where the pressure to become a better person is not only there, but mutual.  Or, B) Pick something she does which irritates her S.O., catch a moment when she chooses NOT to engage that irritating behavior, and remark out loud about it.

In the first scenario, I am basically suggesting she decide whether or not the relationship is even worth the personal dissection.  If it is, then my second approach ought to be a good starting marker for how to recognize change in your partner.  This is really difficult without a plan of action because when you spend day in and day out with one person, you don’t see the ways they are changing.  You may notice if you go to a party where a large number of people are your S.O.’s friends, many people that your S.O. hasn’t seen in six months or a year may remark on how much your S.O. has matured, while you sit by scratching your head daring the old friend to go ahead and try dating your impossible S.O. for his or her self and see how they like.  This thought should be a red flag, because it indicates that you believe you are best suited to meet your damaged partner’s needs.  Maybe you are… but the no-no is finding yourself in a place of moral or behavioral superiority in a relationship that should be built on mutual respect and appreciation.

My wife and I use the method I mention above.  Even though we had some epic fights and misunderstandings at the get-go, we always have and always will talk about the things we are or are not satisfied with in the relationship in non-blaming(as possible) language, and then try to vocally express when we have acted alternatively to the problem behavior so that the other person knows, at the very least, that you are still thinking about it and still care.  For example, my wife really hated it when I used to “help” in the kitchen, because what usually occurred, and I admit it now, was my domination of the whole project.  She loves to cook as much as I do, and I was condescending her by jumping in too enthusiastically with my own ideas rather than getting a bearing on where she was headed first.  This has changed, but it took time and the effort to point out small milestones for the change to be recognized.  Now I ask her if she wants help, and if she does, I ask her specifically what she’d like me to do.  Sometimes she will have me just chop some shit up, other times she will actually want my own input.

Over simplified?  Sure.  But nonetheless applicably sound.

Or, for a different scenario, let’s say that one person in a committed relationship has a drinking “problem”, and I put that in quotes because not everyone said to have one does.  That can be somewhat subjective.  So let’s, for the sake of ease, say that one person drinks more than other.  The one who drinks less would like the other to do the same or at least work towards a middle ground (ok, fine, this is based on personal experience), so the one whose drinking is problematic in the context of the relationship should make it known EACH time they are intentionally curbing a desire for a given quantity or frequency of alcohol; mind you, not in a whining or punitive way.  And since I already admitted that I am just talking about my own life, I should also say that this approach has worked for my wife and I.  She has a much healthier relationship with day-to-day drinking than I do, and through communicating each effort to reduce my own drinking down to a level that was more acceptable, she began to see that, indeed, even though I still require some wine or what-have-you to get ready for bed, the amount has decreased more than significantly.  Of course, her insistence and my acceptance of the issue were key too, but there’s just no reason I can think of to avoid such changes unless the change in question is a “deal breaker”.

So as I savor my glass of wine over some blog writing tonight, I would encourage others in a similar spot to at least attempt this method, for even if it fails, you will have gained important knowledge either way: Possibly the knowledge that your connection wasn’t that strong after all, possibly the knowledge that it can only get stronger.

Take care.

Evolution and Filial Piety

Sometimes I dream of success.  Not of rock-star or oil executive success, but of real personal success.  The end of these dreams is always the same, though, which is me realizing that I haven’t paid my dues yet. 

I am currently leaning towards blaming my parents on this one.  I get a chuckle out of saying it too.  I don’t actually believe that we’re all just attempting to heal from our parents and grow our own way, but some of the learning you get as a child must be shed; and paying one’s dues is a lesson my parents had ALL WRONG.  I was taught as a child and young adult that it was not really one’s dedication and acquisition of skill that caused one to succeed, no, the version I got was that God would come down and turn you into a well hung virgin raping CIA agent who drove five racecars drunk on Dom as long as you just kept your faith long enough and were sure to tithe.  Loyal members always get perks I suppose.  And even though I am largely purged of this indoctrination, the idea that my good intentions or behavior would some day pay off like a loaded slot machine never left me.  I have been coasting by like a blind sailor completely oblivious to the nearing reef.  I was sure to sink, in the most dreadful and pathetic fashion.  At any rate, I let this belief stay for some reason.  I accepted credit card offers with the idea that some future reward for my good behavior would cover the costs.  I let women fall in love with me knowing the whole time that that is all I wanted from them; to see if I could get them to love me.  After I had their love I tossed it over my shoulder and walked on thinking that what I gave them was of such value that surely it was a net positive.  I hacked out music to roughly a third of its potential simply believing that people would be so impressed by the evoked emotions that someday I would profit enough from the sales to finally take recording seriously (like a record label jesus coming down to give me $5000 and an 8-ball).  On top of all that, I used my psychological intuition to land jobs I wasn’t qualified for, and with that boosted confidence I started quitting jobs at my leisure, only to grab another one in an industry I had no knowledge of.  Now I can’t get an interview to deliver pizzas.  I guess I thought that someday I’d simply charm my way into a financially secure job should it ever become necessary.  It has, and 300 plus applications later, I am unemployed.  Of course, I did get a wealth of real world knowledge you just can’t be taught from working so many different jobs for such a variety of organizations, but for what?  I can’t take writing seriously enough to even commit to an hour a day… because some day publishing jesus will come down and give me a cabin in the woods stocked with nothing but twelve year old scotch, chronic and typewriters waiting for my genius to ravage the ink ribbon.

Sorry folks, but this was a big one and I hope that less and less children are taught this.

back to school

Don’t read this if you’re not a voyeur, it’s going to be very uninteresting and journal-ish.  I may just be documenting this for my own decompression’s sake.

Mondays are going to be very tough for the next 13 weeks.  I learned that today.  I (should) get up at 6:45, work until 2:30, go to classes from 3-8:30, and then brave the bus or take the not-so-scenic 40 minute walk home.  I chose walking.  Now I am finally relaxed in my ‘fort’ with a glass of wine and some herbal platitude feeling the desire to write but not necessarily have to think about it.  I figured imnotme was the place to do just that.

So, this semester I am taking Intro To Writing Fiction and Asian Philosophy.  Both conceptual walks in the park, though I have been additionally blessed by two extroardinarily competent instructors who are also both gifted facilitators and lectors.  This, of course, translates into more challenging work, and more challenging work.  Not what I had hoped from the course titles.  I figured I could doodle my way to a 4.0 for the term.

Oh well.  A. and I have been living in the aforementioned ‘fort’, which is our office turned snuggle-pen via streaming netflix movies on my computer aimed at the bed that was not always in the middle of our office.  It’s a cramped, but cozy place.  So cozy we even watched 2 seasons of Family Ties.  And liked it.  This is also the only room in our ginormous apartment that has air-conditioning, which neither of us are huge proponents of, though it’s aided the desperate-crack-addict appetite we’ve had for fits of snuggling and various other pillow-and-blanket oriented tasks.

Getting high does improve both my writing, and my reading.  I’m sure of it.  Hehe.

I’m going to abandoned this now and go let my friend in the house.

drunken archive 3ld12-z

friend: Omg that tasted like heaven.

imnotme: So… let me get this straight.  You’ve been to heaven, and the comparisons you make now that you’re back are to things that taste like it?

 

texting

friend:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

imnotme:  ?

friend:  just venting.

imnotme:  I certainly didn’t think you were dictating an orgasm to me via text.

friend:  long story. short: 1 and 2 don’t mix, I get to be in the middle.

imnotme:  oh, nm my reply then.

friend:  yeah… deets are not important here.

imnotme:  virtue be your guide

friend:  Unfortunately. Why? Why does my fucked up background give me such zen strength?

imnotme:  It’s you man, you sought truth young

friend:  I really did.  I remember hearing how intense I was from adults since I was ten.

imnotme:  a little hedonism goes a long way, give it a try

friend:  but then all will be dead.

imnotme:  Drowned in your semen?

friend:  hahahahahahahahahha… uh, I guess.

imnotme:  Just love yourself and prove it with your actions

friend:  That seems hard.

imnotme:  I will weep for you then

friend:  As you should.

Hi EVERYONE, GET IN HERE!!

I would just love to tell all of you all about this thing about me!!!  I would love for you to read it and think, MY GOD that’s one honest and eloquent person.  I can’t believe he’s willing to not only let us into his dark closet corner but also share his flashlight!

Well, take this:

Turns out, I am not that fucking interesting.  So, back to business.  The business of me being mildly intrigued about who could possibly be reading this, and also knowing that, whoever they are, there’s actually something here for them should they take the time to find it.

Stay tuned.

Blogging News

I have been asked by the creator of  The Nice Feminist** to contribute to their new blog.  I am happy to support and contribute to it.  I also think it’s a unique opportunity as a heterosexual male to speak at the (relative) forefront of a feminist community.  This blog was founded on the principal that group-think afflicted feminist blogs (which are increasingly the most popular breed) are creating a vibe of alienation and friction with modern schools of progressive thought which seek to recognize that fighting sex-based oppression no longer needs to be justified in that it clearly has and does exist, yet also seeking to recognize that a new generation of social thinking is on the rise, and feminsts are not quite hip to their realities.

I gaurantee it as a good read, if not thought provoking.

**The Nice Feminist has been abandoned and re-conceptualized at ethecofem.com and has many interesting conversations happening now.

RIP DPS

Well, my multi-contributor poetry blog had record readership for one week, then people ran out of steam.  So, in the lack of any other good outlet for prose and poem, I have decided to just continue randomly posting there when the spirit moves me.

dailypoetrysurpise.wordpress.com

Or click from my blogroll.  Do take the time to dig through the archives, I just did and really enjoyed all the pieces.  Some much better in retrospect than I realized.

Stress Induced Walking Coma

I am really only writing this post for myself, because it’s highly abnormal that I would arrive home after a hard day at work and not be excited to crack a beer and play my favorite online game. So, in order to get this dark cloud off of me I am blogging, which I have done very little of lately because I have not had anything interesting to say and even CNN has resorted to two or three headline stories about frozen or otherwise distraught animals.

Work has recently gotten so out of hand that I feel brain dead.  I sit down at my desk and look at stacks of complex or annoyingly stupid fraud claims to investigate and get the same feeling I get when staring at a pile of laundry that you’ve let collect until you have nothing clean to wear except the clothes that no longer fit you.  People are quitting, or just going MIA and then looking very sad upon return, or having babies.  One of the people, who birthed a child right around the time I passed out drunk last night, was a file organizing machine who made my job painless.  Her absence feels like what I imagine it would feel like to suddenly lose a limb.  Not just a foot or a finger, but one arm and the leg on the same side of your body.

Actually, that is all wrong, because in all reality I am working very fast at tackling impossible mountains of chaotic nonsense.  So I suppose it is more akin to taking speed when you would rather nap.  Which, is not really that bad, but the exhaustion and anxiety are beating my soul in the face with an industrial three hole punch.

Now, aside from the boring gripes about job stress, which is utterly too common in entry level corporate jobs, I have also potentially fallen out of my supervisor’s good graces by reporting three instances of racist, sexist and otherwise innappropriate comments made by the same coworker.  It was A. who had the first run-in when overhearing this person tell an African immigrant that they are no longer in Africa for whatever reason, and then adding that she wishes he would just go back.  Now, the person she was referring to is intolerably obnoxious, granted, but you cannot respond to said obnoxiousness with throwbacks to black inferiority, segragation, and slave ships.  It’s just not ok.  Even if the receiver of this sentiment was not hurt or offended by it, my work environment and feelings about my job, which I spend way too much time at, are highly diminished when faced with the knowledge that my coworkers are racist overgrown children.  I debated with A. about whether or not the incident should be reported.  It’s a tricky thing.

Then today I had the displeasure of hearing this coworker referr to another employee as a cocky asshole and “if there’s nothing swinging between your legs he will not listen to you.”  Again, I will grant her the possibility that this employee may indeed be sexist, but please leave referrences to genitalia, the image of a swinging penis, and the phrase ‘cocky asshole’ out of any situation which requires me to be sober.

I had enough, and brought it to my boss’s attention.  There was a formal meeting in which she took down notes and had me write a signed statement and then thanked me for bringing it up.  However, later that afternoon (after hearing my coworker call another customer a persistent bitch, which, even if true is sometimes necessary for our customers to get their claims resolved) my boss came to my desk and informed me that the issue had been forwarded to HR and that there would be a sit down the following day.  Good, I thought.  I am now percieved as a competent, hardworking employee who also helps maintain professionalism and avoid lawsuits.

Ugh.   In the same conversation my boss also managed to imply that my concerns were possibly petty and that I was likely the only person in the office bothered by my coworker’s conduct.  On top of that, I was informed that our company’s harrasment policy encourages employees to respectfully confront eachother before filing a complaint.  Upon hearing this I had to will my mouth shut.  I wanted to ask my boss if she was aware of my hourly compensation and the fact that personnel management and maintaining a non-hostile work environment is not in my job description.  Instead, I meekly nodded and said “okay, I will keep that in mind” when what I meant was “Shit, if I’d known I would be risking becoming an annoyance over this I would have just saved it for smoke-break bitching.”

So tomorrow I am going to have such a wonderful shit fuck of a day trying to keep my cubicle from going nova while also worrying constantly that three people in the office suddenly think I am a prude crybaby who will tattle if you say a naughty word.  Of course, I realize that the law is on my side, but up until today I had been so consistently impressing my boss and winning various flavors of brownie points that I am really saddenned to think I would suffer adverse effects over this, and I now fully understand why A. was hesitant to pursue the matter.

I really do not wish this to be lumped into the general personality conflicts our office suffers from.

Finally, and most upsetting, this situation makes the fact that our employees are the bottom of the banking barrel glaringly obvious.  The simple notion that this type of conduct would even be considered tolerable only reinforces the fact that I am surrounded by juveniles who are going nowhere fast.

Thankfully, none of them read my blog.  And even if they do, I am right, and I don’t care.

Thanks WordPress.  I think I will go crack a beer and play Xplorers now.

 

[futurenotme: that was a really whiny post.  I thought about deleting it, but that also defeats the point of having some really raw unedited thought being expressed in this blog as erroneously and human as possible.  I should have had much more fun at the job, having the intellectual upperhand and all.  Phooey on me for not recognizing opportunity]