we are not variables

However, some people act as though we are. They would rather their existence be the dynamic one as they form memories of themselves interacting with interchangeable subjects. We call these people ‘characters’ and generally admire them because they seem so self assured. For some reason I am finding the life of a character to appear sad today. You rarely see a character sad because they typically lack the understanding of what it is that makes most other people filter themselves. Characters can brush things off very easily and are prone to open relationships for they covet or cherish very little. I think the engine pulling this particular train of thought is one of my managers. She is a real character. She also strikes me as hollow and conniving. She’s so consistent that at first her consistency makes her look, as I’ve described, self assured and reasonably happy. Yet, even her laugh sounds as though in her mind she is thinking (this is the sound I make now, Right? Am I doing it loud enough? Too loudly? how long do I make this sound? Is it working? Do they think I am having an “emotion.”) Then she probably goes home, talks to anyone daft enough to be within earshot in the same condescending tone she uses at the office, complains about her day, watches TV with a nice ‘healthy’ dinner, considers crying for no reason and mistakes it for tiredness; ultimately turning in for the night.

I realize that I may be 0-6 on those assumptions, but her character she plays here would suggest those things too readily.

What I am getting at is: if you are so focused on getting through the details of life in a satisfactory way that lines up just how you are able to swallow easiest, you will wind up a character. It’s the hesitation, doubt, listening, rethinking, wondering and risk taking that make the rest of us so dynamic.

I’m not saying being a character is bad. I love them. They provide for me a compass of sorts. I enjoy characters in social gatherings even if I do feel jealous of all the positive attention. the jealousy is fleeting, however, when on the way home I am so glad to be vulnerable to A. as we make our way back to the apartment that will be the arena of our small battles to find equality, freedom of expression and respect.  It’s important to remember sometimes that treating people as variables in your life formula is obtuse.  We are all invariable constants, no matter what TV and its characters may say to the contrary.


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August 2008
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