sexual boundaries


I have recently been faced with a couple of opportunities to reinforce my general notion of sexual boundaries. You see, A. and I have been toying with certain notions for a while, and through revealing fantasies to each other we also began to seriously consider making them realities. At that time it became clear that, if we were to engage in such activities, we would both want clear expectations of boundaries and security to be observed. The original seed of this forbidden fruit was a fantasy about myself and another man engaged in various sexual acts. It was a notion I only recently became curious toward and one that A. found rather exciting. Her excitement of course only increased my resolve to materialize this concept into a tangible, crotch devouring, in-your-face live action porn. Now, neither of us likes/watches pornography, so it’s a little weird, if not totally normal, that real-life acts of a similar nature with a third and/or fourth party would be exciting. Cheeky.

Well, if there’s going to be another naked man in my bedroom what are the rules? That is to ask: what am I comfortable with. It turns out that A. and I are different in that regard. She is an open minded and comfortable person. Two nights ago I saw that our original agreed upon boundaries were easily exceeded, for at first, when considering another man involved, the boundary would have been that any contact between A. and the other man would be brief and end before any sort of prolonged connection was achieved on either end. As an example, while this man and I are performing various acts of lust, she would not be relegated to simply sitting across the room or on the bed feeling a bit like a perv, but rather, uninhibited contact could be made with me, and inhibited contact with him; hopefully, still feeling a bit like a perv.

This last weekend I would have originally wanted the boundaries that worked last time to stay intact, except that there was a her and a him available, but the him did not wish to engage with the rest of us. Prior to this weekend we had already attempted the man-on-man, and aside from one set back it went fine. The setback being that the other man involved was too drunk… all the same, much of the desired impact was achieved and in the morning everything was fine (no lingering awkwardness). In the right circumstances I would try it again because A. has turned me into an insatiable pervert whose libido is out of control. This is notable, as I have been consistently accused of having no libido to speak of by the other women in my past.

However, two nights ago new territory was discovered. A., who is generally more comfortable and open then I am, decided (while all involved were thoroughly inebriated) that it would also be hot for me and her friend to make out. The other male attending was not interested in interacting physically with either myself or A., but happy to sit back and observe or occasionally interact with A.’s friend. One hazy thing led clumsily to another before the four us found ourselves in the bedroom, only one of us wearing anything at all. I observed another woman’s head on various locations of A. which was exciting and perfectly in line with prior boundaries. I observed the reversal of this as A.’s head then appeared on and around various locations of her friend’s body. Also quite wonderful. Then, much to my surprise A. commanded her friend to locate her head at my lower extremity, and this is where all of the boundaries became negotiable. I had been making out on and off with this woman who was not A. to everyone’s eventual approval (I myself was hesitant to oblige) and had also now been approved to receive an entirely boundary crossing “service” which, boundary or no, I will admit was rather hot. The combination of visual stimuli from both women was fantastic and A. was enjoying it, and it then felt okay.

Then, and this is the crux of the evening, A. left the room. The other male present had been voluntarily or otherwise left out of the ongoing activity as while A. was happy to command her friend and me to cross our prior arranged boundaries, she was not actively seeking to do the same, though he did carry himself in a manner that suggested that he really only wanted interaction with the girl he had come to the party with. Regardless, we were now alone. I’m sure it’s plain where this is going. After some time she came face to face with me. Face to face, and something else to something else. With no real visual or verbal debate intercourse began. This was one thing A. and I had put on the no-go list. Only mine in her, and only hers around mine. That was the one ultimate boundary we both emphatically agreed upon. At one point it was worried out loud that we might be walked in on, but somehow, with the way the night had been going neither was sure that this would even yield a negative reaction, besides, we suspected the other two had begun messing around on the porch, the twinge of pain at that idea should have made me instantly realize what I was doing, but drunk will do that to you.

I had forgotten about it the next morning as A. and I made love and laughed about the previous nights adventures. We dressed for a walk to breakfast at the local diner. I had a vague case of the oh-no’s and vocally expressed my concern that her friend and I had gone too far. We finished a good breakfast. A. thought it probably didn’t occur, and even if it had it was silly and really not a problem. I agreed. I did not feel like I had cheated even if it had occurred. The night had been, not confusing, but a general bending of the rules, almost exceptional if you will. Everyone was comfortable and open.

I was hit suddenly by a flash back in the middle of an intersection and slapped my forehead.

“It happened” I confessed, remembering quite clearly various vocalizations from the night before. There was no denying it. A. considered this for a moment and then brushed it off saying all was well. But all was not well. If you are going to draw a line, there is a reason. Sometimes the real reason is hidden. I am a fool’s fool for not seeing the real line preempted by the general one. The artificial line was “no sex with anyone but me” but the real line was found after more discussion.

It was the orgasm. The connection. The one sacred aspect of love making that is not to be shared with any other woman. That of leaving part of me, no matter how temporarily, inside someone else. In my drunken stupidity I had not stopped to consider this. It broke both of our hearts at once. Even two people who take the responsible path and recognize their fantasies as a possibility and therefor draw up lines to protect against emotional scarring can miss something that hadn’t been considered. And how much of a blundering oaf do you have to be to miss something so glaringly obvious? That one detail took the memory of that evening from fun and unarguably hot, to a betrayal. Two words destroyed an entire saga.

Things will be okay with A. and me. But this insight into boundaries, and how tricky opening up your sexual life outside of the core relationship is, has been very eye opening. I dropped my guard. Lesson learned. No two people are going to have the same ideal with sexual boundaries, or the same comfort levels with specific situations. Some people’s boundaries will be drawn at never having sex unless it’s to procreate with your committed partner. There’s no reason for them not to be perfectly happy. Some people may not draw any boundaries at all. Likewise, no reason not to be happy. So, a judgment call isn’t the point here, what matters is a sensitivity to the variations between approaches. A. is comfortable with me liplocking her friend, even though it turned out okay I would still be uneasy about that. I took her initial boundary crossing to equal carte blanche and caused unnecessary pain, because, really, I have no desire to have sex with anyone but A. She is the woman for me. She has awoken me spiritually and physically. None compare. This weekend’s indiscretion was a complicated build up to a regrettable moment. I would never (in my right mind) initiate such an event, and would not have the desire to do so. In fact, I am nothing short of stunned that I can even recount the activities of the last week. Things I always thought “never me” about.

Then you have the swingers who I really cannot relate to, but again, won’t say right or wrong on it. I mean, I also don’t understand people who enjoy pie. So, there you have it.

Be diligent in your sensitivity. That’s what I am saying.


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August 2008
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