edmond takes a walk

well, clearly, the reason you are so critical is because you have forgotten how to love. but prescribed love like he used to believe in was obviously just a set up for betrayal, and in it being prescribed, disingenuous. sure, extending unconditional love to all will open you up to pain, that is the burden you bear in exchange for the inner peace, but ask yourself, which is better? now you seek to qualify good or bad, which is a losing argument. negation is not such a powerful tool as you would like it to be. you can negate anything in your mind, but i defy you to negate the fact that you think. it’s true that i cannot negate my own consciousness, but i can still conceive of its impermanence and counter any assertion without being false. Indeed, not false, but invalid. you put in a false premise and arrive at a true conclusion, that much you learned in your first year of logic. well, would you have me just start going to church and abiding religiously by principals that i do not truly believe in? I would have you take the progress you have made throughout the years and reflect well upon it, and, I would also have you recognize that the ideas behind this progress are no longer causing progress. you and i both know that i am too proud to drop all of the identity i have assumed and live selflessly among those who would never appreciate it. you are not truthfully concerned with no person appreciating your true self, you want everyone to like you and cannot accept that others also have strengths. you are not special any more than you are unique, so to betray your spirit in this matter would be to succumb to vanity. but i am not vain. no, not outwardly, but what you say carries less weight than the evidence, which is ample now, that you are driven nearly mad by the idea that someone you love might appreciate a characteristic that another posses, and furthermore, that the person in question may indeed have a strength that would kill you to admit was a weakness of yours. so you mean to suggest that i demand that everytone think i am the best at everything? ludicrous. i do not demand to be the best welder, senator, fisherman, painter, orator… there are millions of things that i do not care to hold a title to. all things that bear no meaning to you. you are not interested in welding, and therefore you could really care less if there is such a welder on the planet that could have created an art form from the beauty and perfection of their welding. that is easy enough for you to praise for you have no stake in it. however, consider the things you really want to be appreciated for: genius, adaptability, quickness of analysis and product; with your lover it’s your body and how they perceive your attitude, sense of humor, anything that might attract them to another heterosexual male. yes, but it is reasonable that one would operate under such exclusive terms when the relationship is meant to be taken to one’s death. i do not pay intimate attentions to other women and for good reason. as much as i could nit-pick that statement, i do know what you are getting at here, but that’s not the point. even these minor offenses you speak of are no grounds for the amazing panic and disdain that rises up within you so that you heart races and you want to get away from everything. but if i am just waiting to find out that i let myself relax and trust only to one day find out otherwise… well, in this situation it would be disastrous. ok, fine. continue on your current course and see if you don’t lose what you thought you were protecting anyway. don’t be sarcastic. very well, i love you edmond, you are dear to me like none other, but you have to let the others have their share. you cannot keep this control you were never meant to have over him. even he has told me that he wants things to change, and that while everyone appreciates you for your true value, he wants to center and he wants to do it peacefully, with your cooperation. let go of your pride and let yourself love again.

i need some time with this.

sure thing.


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August 2008
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