get a job loser!

If your current take on the economic downturn and people who are having a hard time finding a job is that those people are simply not trying hard enough or being too picky… you are half right.

The half where you’re wrong, however, is a potentially devastating and supremely ugly half.  Mine goes like this:

For starters, I don’t like life.  It’s not that I think the cosmic miracle of it all is unimpressive, but that I have already done mental gymnastics around the entire affair and have come up with very little.  There are few things that make participation in a world gone so wrong tolerable.  For me, they are my wife, my future child(ren), and fighting for some semblance of goodness.  What makes these things more difficult to enjoy are all things that I had no say in.  It wasn’t my fucking idea to impose monetary value and structures of commerce on goods and services.  History has proved that this is unnecessary and I LOATHE that in order to maintain a relatively happy life with a family, one must either succumb to the whims of the Circus, or have the resources to start your own, or live in one of the few insane asylums referred to as communes.

Before I reached the age of 30, suicide was kept on hold, sometimes more successfully than others, as a viable opt-out.  Now I am married and have been repressing that option and trying to skew it into the ‘prohibited’ category of actions.  Things that typically led me to desire the assumed final peace of ending my life were hard to quantify at the time, but now I can see that they were seemingly insurmountable frustrations with the notion that I could not exist on the merits of my existence without money, a plan for more money, and a plan for a stash of money so that when I need 30 drugs to stay mobile at the age of 70 I can still go play a game of bingo or what have you.  What a fucking life, right?  The frustrations aren’t as simple as mere facts of love and money.  Frustrations in love can almost always be overcome with the right philosophical toolbox, but frustrations in money and practicality can only be overcome by money, and in my mind that is unacceptable.

Many of my friends have shown great aptitude for swallowing this particular pill.  I haven’t.  Each time in the past when faced with the options of either getting a job or killing myself, the latter seemed MUCH more appealing (turn off your sympathy generators please… I don’t think of suicide as a terrible travesty, even if it is sad for those who stay behind, those who may have loved you, I see it as a choice).  I know there are some of you who can relate, and to those of you who cannot, I am sorry, but there is likely no way of my conveying to you the truth of this matter with words.  If you haven’t lived in the crevices of humankind’s paradoxical enlightenment… you don’t understand how dire this feels.

I am writing this out right now because I am not sure of anything, including my own thoughts and feelings, and want to try and find some sort of workable middle road for myself whereby I can exist in this world and my own at the same time.  Maybe I am a fool for thinking this, but I have already made it further than others before me, and don’t plan on shirking what responsibility I now feel for staying alive and continuing the bonded relationships I have forged over the years.

An unexpected act of charity was just (minutes ago) bestowed on one of my house mates that completely flattened this post for now.

So I will summarize.  These things (jobs, money, capitalism, politics) are easy for most people.  Not me.  You may not care.  Goodnight.


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November 2010
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