Archive for September, 2013

24
Sep
13

Diagnosis

Round four with the overwhelmingly decrepit psychiatric practice has begun.  I say decrepit because from what I can tell, no real progress has been made since the 1970s, and I think that is a shame.  I have hardly moved from one room of the house to another without my copy of The Disowned Self in tow.  While the book does nothing for my temporal anxiety, it has already done much for my internal path to self-hood.  I am increasingly hesitant to divulge much in the way of personal details, as I have resolved to document the entire 33 year affair that is my life autobiographically.  There is too much potential for others to find respite, or more, in the stories I have to tell, not because I am the only one with such stories, but because I am willing to tell them honestly, with no regard for my own pride.  After all, what is there to be proud of when you have only just met yourself?

My crisis worker is a godsend, for that I am grateful, but dealing with the following diagnosis through the modern pill-pusher hustle they call mental health care is going to be a nightmare: Bipolar I disorder, severe with psychotic features and Social Phobia.

When my eyes befell that one word, psychotic, I lurched.  They save only the worst, spirit crushing medications for such diagnoses and I am afraid that my timidity will betray me as I helplessly nod at the next psychiatrist, meekly forcing out an “ok” as they give me dosage instructions.

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14
Sep
13

the hiatus ends

So much has happened since I last posted here, and I don’t mean this to be an “I’m back” post in the sense that I think anyone was waiting, hitting refresh on their browser, for the next indecipherable load of bollocks I would dump into the webosphere, but I find myself now at a point in my journey worth transmitting, should another wanderer find use for it.  At the moment I cannot go into full detail, but let it suffice for me to say that the accounts of my life and and revelations therein espoused of which I will be documenting shall be more raw, more thoughtful and less narcissistic than was previously the norm here.

I will divulge one piece of the puzzle here for you now, which is that after some personal breakdowns or breakthroughs(or the one necessarily precedes the other), I have sought professional, medical and social therapy.  I am frightened of what is to come, and unsurprisingly, this has emboldened me to share with abandon what it is I feel may lie at the core of my dysfunction.  As always, you are encouraged to trust your own sensibilities where reading my blog is concerned.  If it is difficult to read, remember please that it was also quite difficult to write.  I have been places, done things, which the “average” person might find reprehensible or even disturbing and I do not wish to stir up any psychological traumas lying dormant within you for no good reason.  If you decide to spectate, you do so at your own personal risk.

With all of that said, I look forward to the months ahead.  Maybe we will help each other make sense of the senseless.