Posts Tagged ‘relationships

31
Dec
10

Cohabitation and personal change

I was talking with a co-worker this afternoon, and she mentioned how after so much time with her S.O. she was beginning to feel that “everything you do irritates me” feeling.  I know this feeling.  Fortunately, and thanks in no small part to my wife, I also know what it’s like when that feeling is conquered and begins to fade.  While my coworker and I talked, I suggested two sort-of rudimentary ways to approach the issue.  Now that I am home and have stepped away from the conversation I thought I would toss it out into the blogoshpere and see what comes back(even though I rarely get non-suspect comments from real readers on this blog, and that’s probably my own fault for being half insane).  The two approaches I suggested were fairly polar, and I realize that can be problematic, but a lot of relationship issues do tend to lack a wealth of approaches.  I will comment on that more later, for now I’ll recap:

In my opinion, she could A) Listen to her gut (meditate, force-conclusion, ego-mirror, etc) and decide whether or not the relationship she is in is one where the pressure to become a better person is not only there, but mutual.  Or, B) Pick something she does which irritates her S.O., catch a moment when she chooses NOT to engage that irritating behavior, and remark out loud about it.

In the first scenario, I am basically suggesting she decide whether or not the relationship is even worth the personal dissection.  If it is, then my second approach ought to be a good starting marker for how to recognize change in your partner.  This is really difficult without a plan of action because when you spend day in and day out with one person, you don’t see the ways they are changing.  You may notice if you go to a party where a large number of people are your S.O.’s friends, many people that your S.O. hasn’t seen in six months or a year may remark on how much your S.O. has matured, while you sit by scratching your head daring the old friend to go ahead and try dating your impossible S.O. for his or her self and see how they like.  This thought should be a red flag, because it indicates that you believe you are best suited to meet your damaged partner’s needs.  Maybe you are… but the no-no is finding yourself in a place of moral or behavioral superiority in a relationship that should be built on mutual respect and appreciation.

My wife and I use the method I mention above.  Even though we had some epic fights and misunderstandings at the get-go, we always have and always will talk about the things we are or are not satisfied with in the relationship in non-blaming(as possible) language, and then try to vocally express when we have acted alternatively to the problem behavior so that the other person knows, at the very least, that you are still thinking about it and still care.  For example, my wife really hated it when I used to “help” in the kitchen, because what usually occurred, and I admit it now, was my domination of the whole project.  She loves to cook as much as I do, and I was condescending her by jumping in too enthusiastically with my own ideas rather than getting a bearing on where she was headed first.  This has changed, but it took time and the effort to point out small milestones for the change to be recognized.  Now I ask her if she wants help, and if she does, I ask her specifically what she’d like me to do.  Sometimes she will have me just chop some shit up, other times she will actually want my own input.

Over simplified?  Sure.  But nonetheless applicably sound.

Or, for a different scenario, let’s say that one person in a committed relationship has a drinking “problem”, and I put that in quotes because not everyone said to have one does.  That can be somewhat subjective.  So let’s, for the sake of ease, say that one person drinks more than other.  The one who drinks less would like the other to do the same or at least work towards a middle ground (ok, fine, this is based on personal experience), so the one whose drinking is problematic in the context of the relationship should make it known EACH time they are intentionally curbing a desire for a given quantity or frequency of alcohol; mind you, not in a whining or punitive way.  And since I already admitted that I am just talking about my own life, I should also say that this approach has worked for my wife and I.  She has a much healthier relationship with day-to-day drinking than I do, and through communicating each effort to reduce my own drinking down to a level that was more acceptable, she began to see that, indeed, even though I still require some wine or what-have-you to get ready for bed, the amount has decreased more than significantly.  Of course, her insistence and my acceptance of the issue were key too, but there’s just no reason I can think of to avoid such changes unless the change in question is a “deal breaker”.

So as I savor my glass of wine over some blog writing tonight, I would encourage others in a similar spot to at least attempt this method, for even if it fails, you will have gained important knowledge either way: Possibly the knowledge that your connection wasn’t that strong after all, possibly the knowledge that it can only get stronger.

Take care.

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27
Aug
10

Evolution and Filial Piety

Sometimes I dream of success.  Not of rock-star or oil executive success, but of real personal success.  The end of these dreams is always the same, though, which is me realizing that I haven’t paid my dues yet. 

I am currently leaning towards blaming my parents on this one.  I get a chuckle out of saying it too.  I don’t actually believe that we’re all just attempting to heal from our parents and grow our own way, but some of the learning you get as a child must be shed; and paying one’s dues is a lesson my parents had ALL WRONG.  I was taught as a child and young adult that it was not really one’s dedication and acquisition of skill that caused one to succeed, no, the version I got was that God would come down and turn you into a well hung virgin raping CIA agent who drove five racecars drunk on Dom as long as you just kept your faith long enough and were sure to tithe.  Loyal members always get perks I suppose.  And even though I am largely purged of this indoctrination, the idea that my good intentions or behavior would some day pay off like a loaded slot machine never left me.  I have been coasting by like a blind sailor completely oblivious to the nearing reef.  I was sure to sink, in the most dreadful and pathetic fashion.  At any rate, I let this belief stay for some reason.  I accepted credit card offers with the idea that some future reward for my good behavior would cover the costs.  I let women fall in love with me knowing the whole time that that is all I wanted from them; to see if I could get them to love me.  After I had their love I tossed it over my shoulder and walked on thinking that what I gave them was of such value that surely it was a net positive.  I hacked out music to roughly a third of its potential simply believing that people would be so impressed by the evoked emotions that someday I would profit enough from the sales to finally take recording seriously (like a record label jesus coming down to give me $5000 and an 8-ball).  On top of all that, I used my psychological intuition to land jobs I wasn’t qualified for, and with that boosted confidence I started quitting jobs at my leisure, only to grab another one in an industry I had no knowledge of.  Now I can’t get an interview to deliver pizzas.  I guess I thought that someday I’d simply charm my way into a financially secure job should it ever become necessary.  It has, and 300 plus applications later, I am unemployed.  Of course, I did get a wealth of real world knowledge you just can’t be taught from working so many different jobs for such a variety of organizations, but for what?  I can’t take writing seriously enough to even commit to an hour a day… because some day publishing jesus will come down and give me a cabin in the woods stocked with nothing but twelve year old scotch, chronic and typewriters waiting for my genius to ravage the ink ribbon.

Sorry folks, but this was a big one and I hope that less and less children are taught this.

19
Aug
10

We’re all selfish. That’s the bottom line.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

25
May
10

The Gospel According to imnotme

In the beginning, there was innumerable zero. Each zero, though readily indistinct from the next, contained within it only two things: polar and anti-polar. They could be described as each chasing the tail of the other, so that if a perceiver perceived, it may look like a physical zero we now know and employ. String theorists and metaphysicists describe this state as: a brane/D-brane, sunyata, unity, nirvana, etc.. Anyhow, these individual zeros had locked within them this state of constant aggression, or what Mao Tse-Tung refers to as “necessary contradiction.” Mao means here that the contradiction of the first is necessary for the contradiction of the other. The only way this can be true is if, indeed, they are simultaneously chasing, pushing and pulling eachother. Primal attraction. Relatively controlled chaos. Polar- “YOU: OPPOSITE… COME HERE!”
Anti-polar- “Noooooooooooo!”

Over time, of course, these zeros began to feel differences with neighboring zeros. Maybe one of them, in the nuances of all the push, pull and chase, felt somehow dis-unified from unity. Multiply that phenomena a few billion times and the zeros have started to develop distinctions. Some of them felt they were pulling towards a new point on a ‘y’ axis. Maybe others felt a charge when pushing towards the ‘x’ axis. Either way, and regardless, they developed borders, so that the landscape of zeros might look like a connect four game blown out to infinity. Clearly, all zeros, in their zeroNESS, remained loathe but to stay in direct contact with their neighbor, however (and this would be the rub, as it were), there were little seedlings of 1 sprouting up on top and below them(sprouts and roots) so that they-some innumerable time later- were obfuscated by two new dimensions of growing 1’s. The synergy created in the atmosphere of one quickly led to two(and the mathematical birth of the 3rd dimension). From there three, and four and five. And while these beautifications of 1 were reaching their peaks, other organizations were forming. Some combinations of 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 were organizing unpredictably throughout all axis and dimensions, and before you knew it, one of them moved(the accidental birth of modes!). It moved away from all else on it’s very own! Fast forward: it happens again. In the sea of organisms, new collections of groupings and primordial beings were growing ever more sophisticated, and they climbed out of the sea onto the land, where they could continue to become ever reborn, surviving the youngest mind in the universe as long as it could. And that is all that has happened since. We are simply trying to survive our minds as long as we possibly can, by carrying them through the world of forms, in hopes of new vibrancy and secrets of longer life.

15
Oct
09

today i die

i am leaving.  Whoops!  I’m back.  Shit, that was fast.  Did I already write this?

this is confusing.  there’s no joy to be had in time.  we must run from it.  if we adapt our bodies to night/day, light/dark chaos it could possibly save the species.  we must adapt our enjoyments or risk losing enjoyment as a motivator.  human creativity is suffocating itself to death, we must fight soon.  time is a motherfucker not to be trifled with, but, how did it get this power?  i smell an oppressor.  i’ll be first and zealous in the slaying of the defenders of time.   defenders of quantity and measurement.  they are the evilest, vilest and most sinister lot, those, while they undo our creative instinct, molding it with time.

fight this bullshit oppressor however you can.  write fiction on office time.  have everyone on your block get night jobs and have bar b-ques after work at 7am.  get a tivo.  sell your tivo.  make your own bread.  spazz out about nothing in the most loving way you can and then hide in the bathroom.  find peace in rejecting zen.  make samyama on the mundane.

Most important, give yourself a chance.

31
Aug
09

back to school

Don’t read this if you’re not a voyeur, it’s going to be very uninteresting and journal-ish.  I may just be documenting this for my own decompression’s sake.

Mondays are going to be very tough for the next 13 weeks.  I learned that today.  I (should) get up at 6:45, work until 2:30, go to classes from 3-8:30, and then brave the bus or take the not-so-scenic 40 minute walk home.  I chose walking.  Now I am finally relaxed in my ‘fort’ with a glass of wine and some herbal platitude feeling the desire to write but not necessarily have to think about it.  I figured imnotme was the place to do just that.

So, this semester I am taking Intro To Writing Fiction and Asian Philosophy.  Both conceptual walks in the park, though I have been additionally blessed by two extroardinarily competent instructors who are also both gifted facilitators and lectors.  This, of course, translates into more challenging work, and more challenging work.  Not what I had hoped from the course titles.  I figured I could doodle my way to a 4.0 for the term.

Oh well.  A. and I have been living in the aforementioned ‘fort’, which is our office turned snuggle-pen via streaming netflix movies on my computer aimed at the bed that was not always in the middle of our office.  It’s a cramped, but cozy place.  So cozy we even watched 2 seasons of Family Ties.  And liked it.  This is also the only room in our ginormous apartment that has air-conditioning, which neither of us are huge proponents of, though it’s aided the desperate-crack-addict appetite we’ve had for fits of snuggling and various other pillow-and-blanket oriented tasks.

Getting high does improve both my writing, and my reading.  I’m sure of it.  Hehe.

I’m going to abandoned this now and go let my friend in the house.

11
Sep
08

i shouldn’t be showing you this…

But I just can’t help it.

Puppy: what did you get?

8:54 PM me: the same
and a bunch f snacky foods
8:55 PM Puppy: oh yay! What kinds?
me: SURPRISES!
8:56 PM Puppy: ok 🙂
sweetie pie
19 more minutes till I’m FREE!
me: WEEEEE
too bad that when you’re free you’ll still be smelly and annoying!
8:57 PM Puppy: 😦
whimper
me: awwwww
I didn’t mean it puppy
Puppy: growl
me: you can snuggle on the couch all you want
and I’ll scratch your belly
Puppy: ARF! ARF! ARF!
8:58 PM me: because you are such a good and loving little snuggle puppy
and I love having you around
9:01 PM Puppy: 😀
tail wag
9:02 PM me: your puppy chat devices melt my giant bear heart
Puppy: aww, really?
I was afraid they were lame 🙂
me: not at all
cuz I can see them all, the tail wag, I can hear the ARF, the Growl, whimper
yeah
Puppy: awww
good
9:03 PM me: it’s all frightenningly real to me
I have bear devices too. I just use them more in person than chat. I have the stomp. The waver back-and-forth holding out my paws maneuver which means “I want” about whatever I am looking at at the time. I have the “show my size” as in, those assholes better stop talking in the movie theater or I’ll show my size. Also, there is the ultimate sign of affection that is never to be used but when it is truly meant, “the paw” which consists of gently yet firmly placing a half-fist on the shoulder or near the heart. This is something that should only be done to the person you are to marry, and sparingly even then. There are other bear devices, but I’ll spare you for now.



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