Posts Tagged ‘schizophrenia


the hiatus ends

So much has happened since I last posted here, and I don’t mean this to be an “I’m back” post in the sense that I think anyone was waiting, hitting refresh on their browser, for the next indecipherable load of bollocks I would dump into the webosphere, but I find myself now at a point in my journey worth transmitting, should another wanderer find use for it.  At the moment I cannot go into full detail, but let it suffice for me to say that the accounts of my life and and revelations therein espoused of which I will be documenting shall be more raw, more thoughtful and less narcissistic than was previously the norm here.

I will divulge one piece of the puzzle here for you now, which is that after some personal breakdowns or breakthroughs(or the one necessarily precedes the other), I have sought professional, medical and social therapy.  I am frightened of what is to come, and unsurprisingly, this has emboldened me to share with abandon what it is I feel may lie at the core of my dysfunction.  As always, you are encouraged to trust your own sensibilities where reading my blog is concerned.  If it is difficult to read, remember please that it was also quite difficult to write.  I have been places, done things, which the “average” person might find reprehensible or even disturbing and I do not wish to stir up any psychological traumas lying dormant within you for no good reason.  If you decide to spectate, you do so at your own personal risk.

With all of that said, I look forward to the months ahead.  Maybe we will help each other make sense of the senseless.


controlled Schizophrenia

Edmond came down to lunch today. He set his copy of Lereaux down on the table and meekly grabbed a cup of coffee. Peter, James and I watched tensely as he sat down, head bent, lifting his eyes apologetically, or in embarrassment. Both I think.

“Good to see you” I said warmly. I offered him salmon on rye toast, his favorite, but he declined. When he spoke there was something missing from his voice. A force was gone. His was no longer the tone and projection of authority but of a bear who was broken in spirit and purpose. He said little but it was dense and heartfelt.

“I’ve missed you guys” he said without lifting his head. We had missed him too. Truthfully, we had talked about hoping in the back of our minds that things would not change. What would we do without wily old Edmond? He could be a pain, insufferable ass, zealous critic, yes. But to stop there would be to write off everything that made him so great to have around. He kept us on our toes. He could peg our bullshit fast and accurately. He was the debate master and nobody cared about losing to him because we knew the whole time that it wasn’t personal. Preservation of clarity in concept was his true passion and these arguments sought only this end to which we never felt merely the means.

He looked at me, then to the other two and softly admitted, “He does look better, doesn’t he” and retreated to his room again.  While we know it shouldn’t feel like a funeral, our solemn faces said it clearly.  The weight of this is on all of us.

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March 2019
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