Posts Tagged ‘sexuality


the hiatus ends

So much has happened since I last posted here, and I don’t mean this to be an “I’m back” post in the sense that I think anyone was waiting, hitting refresh on their browser, for the next indecipherable load of bollocks I would dump into the webosphere, but I find myself now at a point in my journey worth transmitting, should another wanderer find use for it.  At the moment I cannot go into full detail, but let it suffice for me to say that the accounts of my life and and revelations therein espoused of which I will be documenting shall be more raw, more thoughtful and less narcissistic than was previously the norm here.

I will divulge one piece of the puzzle here for you now, which is that after some personal breakdowns or breakthroughs(or the one necessarily precedes the other), I have sought professional, medical and social therapy.  I am frightened of what is to come, and unsurprisingly, this has emboldened me to share with abandon what it is I feel may lie at the core of my dysfunction.  As always, you are encouraged to trust your own sensibilities where reading my blog is concerned.  If it is difficult to read, remember please that it was also quite difficult to write.  I have been places, done things, which the “average” person might find reprehensible or even disturbing and I do not wish to stir up any psychological traumas lying dormant within you for no good reason.  If you decide to spectate, you do so at your own personal risk.

With all of that said, I look forward to the months ahead.  Maybe we will help each other make sense of the senseless.


Evolution and Filial Piety

Sometimes I dream of success.  Not of rock-star or oil executive success, but of real personal success.  The end of these dreams is always the same, though, which is me realizing that I haven’t paid my dues yet. 

I am currently leaning towards blaming my parents on this one.  I get a chuckle out of saying it too.  I don’t actually believe that we’re all just attempting to heal from our parents and grow our own way, but some of the learning you get as a child must be shed; and paying one’s dues is a lesson my parents had ALL WRONG.  I was taught as a child and young adult that it was not really one’s dedication and acquisition of skill that caused one to succeed, no, the version I got was that God would come down and turn you into a well hung virgin raping CIA agent who drove five racecars drunk on Dom as long as you just kept your faith long enough and were sure to tithe.  Loyal members always get perks I suppose.  And even though I am largely purged of this indoctrination, the idea that my good intentions or behavior would some day pay off like a loaded slot machine never left me.  I have been coasting by like a blind sailor completely oblivious to the nearing reef.  I was sure to sink, in the most dreadful and pathetic fashion.  At any rate, I let this belief stay for some reason.  I accepted credit card offers with the idea that some future reward for my good behavior would cover the costs.  I let women fall in love with me knowing the whole time that that is all I wanted from them; to see if I could get them to love me.  After I had their love I tossed it over my shoulder and walked on thinking that what I gave them was of such value that surely it was a net positive.  I hacked out music to roughly a third of its potential simply believing that people would be so impressed by the evoked emotions that someday I would profit enough from the sales to finally take recording seriously (like a record label jesus coming down to give me $5000 and an 8-ball).  On top of all that, I used my psychological intuition to land jobs I wasn’t qualified for, and with that boosted confidence I started quitting jobs at my leisure, only to grab another one in an industry I had no knowledge of.  Now I can’t get an interview to deliver pizzas.  I guess I thought that someday I’d simply charm my way into a financially secure job should it ever become necessary.  It has, and 300 plus applications later, I am unemployed.  Of course, I did get a wealth of real world knowledge you just can’t be taught from working so many different jobs for such a variety of organizations, but for what?  I can’t take writing seriously enough to even commit to an hour a day… because some day publishing jesus will come down and give me a cabin in the woods stocked with nothing but twelve year old scotch, chronic and typewriters waiting for my genius to ravage the ink ribbon.

Sorry folks, but this was a big one and I hope that less and less children are taught this.


We’re all selfish. That’s the bottom line.



A Serious Problem

I imagine that more and more heterosexually coupled males and females are going to be running into a serious problem that my feminist wife and I have discovered: the battle of emotions versus rationality.

I believe the reason this is going to be made apparent, soon, is because its a discussion that is appropriate for modern young couples faced with this seeming dichotomy.  I leave out homosexual couplings because I am not familiar enough with homosexual relationship dynamics to either include or exclude them with any intelligence.  However, I am sure something similar could crop up in any relationship where one person approaches conflict emotionally, and the other rationally.

I want to quickly stop you here and clarify the question already forming in your mind; is this guy about to assert that one is better? No.  The first mistake my wife and I have discovered about this discussion is that the initial problem is having emotion pitted against rationality in the first place.  It is counter-productive to start from there.  Both emotion and rationality have distinct and necessary functions in our human development.  However, one theory I am now leaning heavily toward, is that emotion is also a sort of genetic leftover from when humans were subject to more predators than Big Business or general systematic oppression.  I’m talking about the days of “I win because I am larger.”  You know, before we realized we could flourish with technology rather than our biology.

Understandably, you are thinking I just shot myself in the foot by suggesting that emotion is an antiquated, useless leftover of our primitive ancestors.  Maybe, but before you react, do YOU know anything about our historical and genetic development?  Additionally, both emotion and rationality have a dynamic weakness in communication when used one without the other.  For example: in an argument, person X becomes emotional and begins yelling insults.  While the insults do not invalidate person X’s need to communicate, person Y has an easy rational out by simply criticizing person X on the grounds that they are simply excited and acting like irrational.  But… but: person Y didn’t actually say anything at all to the point of person X’s initial concern.   Likewise, if person Y attempts talking about their feelings rationally to person X, who is more resonant with emotion, person X will more often than not try to re-orient the discussion around emotional realities, when that is not what person Y wanted to discuss; therefore, they both lose.

So what should the modern heterosexual couple do about this problem?  Shut up.  Both of you, shut up and think about what you are ACTUALLY TRYING TO SAY.

Good luck.


today i die

i am leaving.  Whoops!  I’m back.  Shit, that was fast.  Did I already write this?

this is confusing.  there’s no joy to be had in time.  we must run from it.  if we adapt our bodies to night/day, light/dark chaos it could possibly save the species.  we must adapt our enjoyments or risk losing enjoyment as a motivator.  human creativity is suffocating itself to death, we must fight soon.  time is a motherfucker not to be trifled with, but, how did it get this power?  i smell an oppressor.  i’ll be first and zealous in the slaying of the defenders of time.   defenders of quantity and measurement.  they are the evilest, vilest and most sinister lot, those, while they undo our creative instinct, molding it with time.

fight this bullshit oppressor however you can.  write fiction on office time.  have everyone on your block get night jobs and have bar b-ques after work at 7am.  get a tivo.  sell your tivo.  make your own bread.  spazz out about nothing in the most loving way you can and then hide in the bathroom.  find peace in rejecting zen.  make samyama on the mundane.

Most important, give yourself a chance.


back to school

Don’t read this if you’re not a voyeur, it’s going to be very uninteresting and journal-ish.  I may just be documenting this for my own decompression’s sake.

Mondays are going to be very tough for the next 13 weeks.  I learned that today.  I (should) get up at 6:45, work until 2:30, go to classes from 3-8:30, and then brave the bus or take the not-so-scenic 40 minute walk home.  I chose walking.  Now I am finally relaxed in my ‘fort’ with a glass of wine and some herbal platitude feeling the desire to write but not necessarily have to think about it.  I figured imnotme was the place to do just that.

So, this semester I am taking Intro To Writing Fiction and Asian Philosophy.  Both conceptual walks in the park, though I have been additionally blessed by two extroardinarily competent instructors who are also both gifted facilitators and lectors.  This, of course, translates into more challenging work, and more challenging work.  Not what I had hoped from the course titles.  I figured I could doodle my way to a 4.0 for the term.

Oh well.  A. and I have been living in the aforementioned ‘fort’, which is our office turned snuggle-pen via streaming netflix movies on my computer aimed at the bed that was not always in the middle of our office.  It’s a cramped, but cozy place.  So cozy we even watched 2 seasons of Family Ties.  And liked it.  This is also the only room in our ginormous apartment that has air-conditioning, which neither of us are huge proponents of, though it’s aided the desperate-crack-addict appetite we’ve had for fits of snuggling and various other pillow-and-blanket oriented tasks.

Getting high does improve both my writing, and my reading.  I’m sure of it.  Hehe.

I’m going to abandoned this now and go let my friend in the house.


naughty game for two

I recently got up the nerve to make a trip to a local consumer friendly sex shop.  if you are from the minneapolis area you would be glad to know The Smitten Kitten sells only non-toxic, chemically-safe toys, oils, etc.  the staff are courteous and highly knowledgeable about their products though on my specific trip I did pull the “just browsing” maneuver to ease my own shyness.  after about an hour and a half I had finally decided on a few things, however, one of them in particular has been a rave success.  


it’s a game called Discover Your Lover and can be purchased in the Smitten Kitten or elsewhere online (although Smitten does sell most of its toys, etc., online as well).  


I don’t know where to begin.  My first impression was that it was going to be a trivia game until I flipped the box over and read on the back that there would be “tasks.”  hmmm, I thought, just how comfortable am I with having a game tell me what to do to my partner?  anyway, on a whim I dropped the cash for it and the other elicit items and went on my discreetly plain white packaged way.  i left the bag in the livingroom as a surprise for A. who I suspected would be more than welcoming of the new additions to our bedroom (score!) and waited for her to come home.  the reaction was perfect as I watched her in both embarrassment and obvious thrill open and investigate each item.  the first thing we explored was the game.  we set up the cards and timers, and puzzled over how the thing is actually played.  it turns out that the game is easy enough to play once you use common sense as to who is asking who what question on what turn and responsible for what task (really, it shouldn’t have been as confusing as it was, I blame the red wine).  


then, the moment of truth, the first dice roll.  A. gets a two and lands on an “Intimate Question.”  You see, there are three different types of questions in the game: easy general sex questions, difficult general sex questions, and Intimate Questions which are directly specific to you and your partner (this is the part of the game that I recommend only to solid couples who have a high level of trust and security established).  the intimate questions are fun because they can stand to really put you on the line by either having to confess something, or by not knowing the answer to a question about your partner.  they run the gamut from cheesy/easy to inventive and eye opening.  

after a few turns you begin to hit the task spots on the board.  we both looked on nervously as I drew the first one (they start out easy) “in 30 seconds tell your partner why you love them” sounds lame right?  WRONG.  30 seconds is not a lot of time, and your partner decides if you pass, so if you half ass it your mast is blast! ? … !?  no, really though, the game was well though out.  after a few more turns answering questions and performing easy tasks–that generally did not require the removal of clothing–we hit the mediums.  These ranged anywhere from “make out with your partner for a minimum of 180 seconds (there are timers), if either party loses interest you lose” to “take off your partner’s underwear with your teeth.”  now, i’m leaving a bunch out but only because, well, that’s just private, but it gets hotter and heavier than i could really even do justice to.  well, ok, for example; in the process of playing the first time we discovered that A. has a new place to stimulate, masturbating with a blindfold on is very difficult, and it sucks to have the time run out on certain tasks 😉  get the picture?  good.  oh, also, shower beforehand.  tmi?  lol.     

i bought this game a couple of weeks ago and we’ve played three times.  though rewarding, it is also very intense and therefore taxing, and we’ve reserved it for special times.  each time has been a unique experience in its own way and i dare say, i didn’t buy this game because our sex life was lacking, i bought it for fun.  the result is that now our sex life is even less not lacking than before.  a simple old fashioned non-digital game made by strangers can really bring you closer.  

you know, writing about it just makes me want to play it.  or maybe the quiche i just made is an accidental aphrodisiac.  i am good in the kitchen…

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