Posts Tagged ‘suicide


the hiatus ends

So much has happened since I last posted here, and I don’t mean this to be an “I’m back” post in the sense that I think anyone was waiting, hitting refresh on their browser, for the next indecipherable load of bollocks I would dump into the webosphere, but I find myself now at a point in my journey worth transmitting, should another wanderer find use for it.  At the moment I cannot go into full detail, but let it suffice for me to say that the accounts of my life and and revelations therein espoused of which I will be documenting shall be more raw, more thoughtful and less narcissistic than was previously the norm here.

I will divulge one piece of the puzzle here for you now, which is that after some personal breakdowns or breakthroughs(or the one necessarily precedes the other), I have sought professional, medical and social therapy.  I am frightened of what is to come, and unsurprisingly, this has emboldened me to share with abandon what it is I feel may lie at the core of my dysfunction.  As always, you are encouraged to trust your own sensibilities where reading my blog is concerned.  If it is difficult to read, remember please that it was also quite difficult to write.  I have been places, done things, which the “average” person might find reprehensible or even disturbing and I do not wish to stir up any psychological traumas lying dormant within you for no good reason.  If you decide to spectate, you do so at your own personal risk.

With all of that said, I look forward to the months ahead.  Maybe we will help each other make sense of the senseless.



For the duration of this post I am declaring my blog an emotion free zone.  This is because the idea of suicide is generally met with an automatic and severe emotional response, which I have been thinking about since the recent news of two entire families dying of apparent “murder-suicide” events in which the husband takes out his wife and children, and finally himself.

Most people are reacting to this in horror, as is well warranted I suppose.  However, I question the typical connotations surrounding an individual’s decision to… be done, as it were.  The recent events I am talking about are not proven to be what I am terming economicide, which could be classified as a family’s failure to make ends meet, with little hope for the future, and the desire to be free of such a huge burden.  But they seem to be.  Furthermore, this desire to be free of such burdens conflicts with the desire to remain a family, ultimately leading to the conclusion that you could all be together in death.

Now, to be clear, I don’t personally see myself as able to turn a gun on my own children, but it’s important, I think, when it comes to humans, to leave an exception for every possiblity.  So, let’s take this from the ant farm perspective:

what is so upsetting and wrong about suicide?  Why does it send a resounding bolt of fear throughout all fragments of society?  True, upon hearing of the suicide of any person I know I immediately feel shocked, sad… but for what?  Someone wasn’t having a good go at it and decided to call it a day.  Sometimes trying to finish a marathon can kill you in the process, but then it’s declared valorous.

Objectively, if a person finds this existence to be either too painful or too tedious, shouldn’t they have the right to snuff it?

I think so.  I’d like to think that I could hasten my own exit without devastating my friends and family emotionally, but maybe that leads us to my final thought: the art of suicide-noting.  If properly executed, I think the suicide note could be the perfect thing to take the edge off the situation. If I were to convincingly and accurately state my case for leaving, all the while making it perfectly clear that my departure was not in sadness, necessarily, or that a lingering sadness would just be unfit for the situation, shouldn’t that be enough to say “ok, he knew what he was doing, made a clear decision and acted upon.”

No, somehow it doesn’t flush.

But anyway, food for thought.


reverse compliments

Here’s the deal. Why do people want compliments that would, when thought about, actually serve as a sort of insult.

So you are dating someone who does not wear makeup on a daily basis, then on a dinner date, she does; to which you respond with, “you look so beautiful tonight.”

Look, I understand giving exceptional compliments on a night where a woman is really going to care how she looks, but didn’t you just say you look more beautiful in this artificial state than you do naturally… ? It’s true that I tend to throw all non-logical arguments against issues such as this one out the window, but I am really trying to draw out the harmful effects of this consistent enforcement of the idea that we must be improved by products somehow, or that there is a standard all men and women seek and if you do not meet it, you are inferior in the eyes of the other sex, or in the case of gay and lesbian people, inferior in the eyes of the same.

You know what? Nevermind.

I’ll never come out ahead in an argument that challenges innocent behaviours on the parts of people who don’t really understand what they’re doing or saying as they further the cause of… of fucking ‘taker’ nonsense really. Our global phalocentric-hyper-sexualized culture makes me suicidal and I guess that’s a personal problem.


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May 2018
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