Evolution and Filial Piety

Sometimes I dream of success.  Not of rock-star or oil executive success, but of real personal success.  The end of these dreams is always the same, though, which is me realizing that I haven’t paid my dues yet. 

I am currently leaning towards blaming my parents on this one.  I get a chuckle out of saying it too.  I don’t actually believe that we’re all just attempting to heal from our parents and grow our own way, but some of the learning you get as a child must be shed; and paying one’s dues is a lesson my parents had ALL WRONG.  I was taught as a child and young adult that it was not really one’s dedication and acquisition of skill that caused one to succeed, no, the version I got was that God would come down and turn you into a well hung virgin raping CIA agent who drove five racecars drunk on Dom as long as you just kept your faith long enough and were sure to tithe.  Loyal members always get perks I suppose.  And even though I am largely purged of this indoctrination, the idea that my good intentions or behavior would some day pay off like a loaded slot machine never left me.  I have been coasting by like a blind sailor completely oblivious to the nearing reef.  I was sure to sink, in the most dreadful and pathetic fashion.  At any rate, I let this belief stay for some reason.  I accepted credit card offers with the idea that some future reward for my good behavior would cover the costs.  I let women fall in love with me knowing the whole time that that is all I wanted from them; to see if I could get them to love me.  After I had their love I tossed it over my shoulder and walked on thinking that what I gave them was of such value that surely it was a net positive.  I hacked out music to roughly a third of its potential simply believing that people would be so impressed by the evoked emotions that someday I would profit enough from the sales to finally take recording seriously (like a record label jesus coming down to give me $5000 and an 8-ball).  On top of all that, I used my psychological intuition to land jobs I wasn’t qualified for, and with that boosted confidence I started quitting jobs at my leisure, only to grab another one in an industry I had no knowledge of.  Now I can’t get an interview to deliver pizzas.  I guess I thought that someday I’d simply charm my way into a financially secure job should it ever become necessary.  It has, and 300 plus applications later, I am unemployed.  Of course, I did get a wealth of real world knowledge you just can’t be taught from working so many different jobs for such a variety of organizations, but for what?  I can’t take writing seriously enough to even commit to an hour a day… because some day publishing jesus will come down and give me a cabin in the woods stocked with nothing but twelve year old scotch, chronic and typewriters waiting for my genius to ravage the ink ribbon.

Sorry folks, but this was a big one and I hope that less and less children are taught this.

We’re all selfish. That’s the bottom line.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

The Gospel According to imnotme

In the beginning, there was innumerable zero. Each zero, though readily indistinct from the next, contained within it only two things: polar and anti-polar. They could be described as each chasing the tail of the other, so that if a perceiver perceived, it may look like a physical zero we now know and employ. String theorists and metaphysicists describe this state as: a brane/D-brane, sunyata, unity, nirvana, etc.. Anyhow, these individual zeros had locked within them this state of constant aggression, or what Mao Tse-Tung refers to as “necessary contradiction.” Mao means here that the contradiction of the first is necessary for the contradiction of the other. The only way this can be true is if, indeed, they are simultaneously chasing, pushing and pulling eachother. Primal attraction. Relatively controlled chaos. Polar- “YOU: OPPOSITE… COME HERE!”
Anti-polar- “Noooooooooooo!”

Over time, of course, these zeros began to feel differences with neighboring zeros. Maybe one of them, in the nuances of all the push, pull and chase, felt somehow dis-unified from unity. Multiply that phenomena a few billion times and the zeros have started to develop distinctions. Some of them felt they were pulling towards a new point on a ‘y’ axis. Maybe others felt a charge when pushing towards the ‘x’ axis. Either way, and regardless, they developed borders, so that the landscape of zeros might look like a connect four game blown out to infinity. Clearly, all zeros, in their zeroNESS, remained loathe but to stay in direct contact with their neighbor, however (and this would be the rub, as it were), there were little seedlings of 1 sprouting up on top and below them(sprouts and roots) so that they-some innumerable time later- were obfuscated by two new dimensions of growing 1’s. The synergy created in the atmosphere of one quickly led to two(and the mathematical birth of the 3rd dimension). From there three, and four and five. And while these beautifications of 1 were reaching their peaks, other organizations were forming. Some combinations of 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 were organizing unpredictably throughout all axis and dimensions, and before you knew it, one of them moved(the accidental birth of modes!). It moved away from all else on it’s very own! Fast forward: it happens again. In the sea of organisms, new collections of groupings and primordial beings were growing ever more sophisticated, and they climbed out of the sea onto the land, where they could continue to become ever reborn, surviving the youngest mind in the universe as long as it could. And that is all that has happened since. We are simply trying to survive our minds as long as we possibly can, by carrying them through the world of forms, in hopes of new vibrancy and secrets of longer life.

today i die

i am leaving.  Whoops!  I’m back.  Shit, that was fast.  Did I already write this?

this is confusing.  there’s no joy to be had in time.  we must run from it.  if we adapt our bodies to night/day, light/dark chaos it could possibly save the species.  we must adapt our enjoyments or risk losing enjoyment as a motivator.  human creativity is suffocating itself to death, we must fight soon.  time is a motherfucker not to be trifled with, but, how did it get this power?  i smell an oppressor.  i’ll be first and zealous in the slaying of the defenders of time.   defenders of quantity and measurement.  they are the evilest, vilest and most sinister lot, those, while they undo our creative instinct, molding it with time.

fight this bullshit oppressor however you can.  write fiction on office time.  have everyone on your block get night jobs and have bar b-ques after work at 7am.  get a tivo.  sell your tivo.  make your own bread.  spazz out about nothing in the most loving way you can and then hide in the bathroom.  find peace in rejecting zen.  make samyama on the mundane.

Most important, give yourself a chance.

back to school

Don’t read this if you’re not a voyeur, it’s going to be very uninteresting and journal-ish.  I may just be documenting this for my own decompression’s sake.

Mondays are going to be very tough for the next 13 weeks.  I learned that today.  I (should) get up at 6:45, work until 2:30, go to classes from 3-8:30, and then brave the bus or take the not-so-scenic 40 minute walk home.  I chose walking.  Now I am finally relaxed in my ‘fort’ with a glass of wine and some herbal platitude feeling the desire to write but not necessarily have to think about it.  I figured imnotme was the place to do just that.

So, this semester I am taking Intro To Writing Fiction and Asian Philosophy.  Both conceptual walks in the park, though I have been additionally blessed by two extroardinarily competent instructors who are also both gifted facilitators and lectors.  This, of course, translates into more challenging work, and more challenging work.  Not what I had hoped from the course titles.  I figured I could doodle my way to a 4.0 for the term.

Oh well.  A. and I have been living in the aforementioned ‘fort’, which is our office turned snuggle-pen via streaming netflix movies on my computer aimed at the bed that was not always in the middle of our office.  It’s a cramped, but cozy place.  So cozy we even watched 2 seasons of Family Ties.  And liked it.  This is also the only room in our ginormous apartment that has air-conditioning, which neither of us are huge proponents of, though it’s aided the desperate-crack-addict appetite we’ve had for fits of snuggling and various other pillow-and-blanket oriented tasks.

Getting high does improve both my writing, and my reading.  I’m sure of it.  Hehe.

I’m going to abandoned this now and go let my friend in the house.

out of alcohol? Sell the laptop!

Today I pawned my laptop. I bought it when I started college two years ago and it served me faithfully. However, since then I’ve become an alcoholic and, as frugal as possible, spend roughly $250 a month on beer/wine. Combine that with pack-a-day smoking and you have a very expensive team of vices. So what’s the deal? Why not dry out?

I hate being sober at night. It’s just that simple. The drinking is easy to abstain from. I can enjoy a nice cup of tea as readily as any liquor. The problem comes after sun set when it’s time to consider bedding down. I cannot handle the idea of just laying in bed hoping for sleep, because I know it will not come. I will not go gentle into that dark night. Therefore, boozing myself to sleep, while expensive and unhealthy, is the best I can do to relinquish my hold on the current day and accept that I am going to let it slip away from me.

I wonder often about what it would take to accept the insomnia and force myself into natural sleep.

A child. I think it would take having a child.

you are not at the zoo

He walked up to the ticket counter and bought one regular admission. His first visit. He thought the primates would be the most fun and had been dreaming about them for two months. He went to see the gorillas, orangutans, “wizard monkeys”, baboons and chimps, among other’s whose names always slip his young, mind. It was just as fun as he had hoped.

Nothing else at the zoo concerned him so he left. Overjoyed, the next day he went back, if for no other reason than to have proof that he had really seen them. He approached the same old man at the same ticket counter, holding up six dollars he said “I’d like to see the monkeys.”

We have monkeys, yes, but you cannot see them. This is not a zoo.

But yesterday it was…

I’m sorry but we do not run a zoo here. You must be mistaken.

Are you playing a trick on me? Only yesterday I was allowed in and I’m sure it was a zoo.

The old man shook his head, irritated, and suggested that he had only wanted to be at the zoo but had never really gone.

He knew the old man was wrong, but his young mind was easily confused and the old man had such disdain in his voice, that he cowered and walked away. Indeed, never to be let into the zoo again so that he finally accepted that he had never been. The monkeys he could swear looked right at him. He could swear he had smelled them, and remember his heart soaring as they played with each other leaping ably from limbs and ropes…

He wondered if the zoo ever did allow him back in if he’d even care to go anymore. What if the next day they insisted he’d never been. It would be a confusion he couldn’t survive twice.

bcc: all (and the dangers thereof)

I just got done sending an email to ‘all’ via blind carbon copy.  It read thusly:

If you are receiving this email, it’s because at some point in time we exchanged emails and that dumped you into my contact list!  I may not even know you!  Yay!

I call a Town Hall Meeting, via email.

I have several things I would like to get off my chest:

1.)  I ain’t no holla-back girl.
2.)  There is a point in every person’s life when it is no longer cool to yell out of car windows at people.  I hope everyone receiving this email has hit that point.
3.)  April hates children so don’t expect us to have any.
4.)  It’s actually never cool to yell out of car windows at people.  I hope everyone receiving this email knocks it off.
5.)  It’s also never cool to throw fists full of change at someone’s face.  That hurts.
6.)  Beans are a fantastic and necessary addition to your daily diet.   Please add them to your breakfast, lunch or dinner.  they blend famously with beef, rice, eggs, even some salads.  They are highly nutritious and affordable!
7.)  Working in a non-profit environment is not for everyone.  I’m finding it’s only for about half of me.  The other half of me wants to open a bottle of wine and read ‘The Notion of A Priori’.
8.)  I broke my hand and didn’t cry.  I am clearly not to be trifled with.
9.)  the liars paradox can be solved  (or dissolved) by means of separating the individual linguistic elements and assigning them creative or destructive value (in other words pos. and neg.).
10. Last, but certainly not least: If you have a belief, please do not assert it as fact to others, or relay to them that disagreeing is only by their ignorance.  This type of behaviour has led and continues to lead to the destruction of a lot of things and people that need not be destroyed.

Have a pleasant day, and if you know me, you are invited over this Saturday.  Respond for the address.

sincerely,

Magic Thunderblow, Lord of DPS (to be resumed this fall.)

I know there are people receiving that email who will thoroughly enjoy it, others may take issue with some items, others still may wonder why the kid who emailed them with ebay auction questions is sending them such an odd correspondence.

I eagerly await the reaction(s).