saying grace

control control control control control control is power control is power not you you are not the power you do not have the power you are in control of the power control is power control the power you are not the power you are not the power you are not the power the power is control you are in control of the power control the power control the power control the power control the power control the power control the power control the power control the power control the power the power is not in control the power is control power is control power is control you are not the power you are not the power you are not one with the power the power is control the power is the power the power is not in control the power is not one with control you are not one with the power you are not the power control the power the power is control you do not power control you control the power control the power control the power the power is control

We’re all selfish. That’s the bottom line.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Jiftus Rhithalixe

Hi reader.  You are wondering what that title means.   It’s complicated.

On the one hand, there is no ready explanation of the phrase, because it is jibberish.  However, something very important is happening right now in our world that may only be summed up as such; and therefore befitting such a name.  Jiftus Rithalixe could possibly express the notion that a nation’s most accurate news reporting is coming from the comedy “sector,” or it could refer to the silly idea of having national level debates about religion.  Why stop there?  It could also refer to the fact that right now it is easier to make money as a swindler than a legitimate entity.  Don’t believe me?  Go to any freelancing site that caters to writers and tell me what the number one job out there is.

Know what, I’ll spare you the trouble.  After weeks of desperately searching for writing jobs I can tell you the hands-down number one: re-writing copyrighted articles ala human thesaurus until the article passes the test of plagiarism software algorithms.  Writers are shitting out hundred of thousands of “rewritten” articles every day for the sole purpose of linking websurfers back to their shitty product (think knock-off herbal remedies and potentially harmful dieting schemes).  They call this Search Engine Maximization.

On one hand, great, someone found a way to create reliable internet search using scales of relevance.  That’s a novel and good idea in its inception, but I should inform you that this method being adopted by the internet community at large is not only criminal, but largely developed by people who knew they could sell ten tons of crap placebocuticals to nimrods slapping their mice all over the global commerce control buttons; wontonly ordering BOXES OF THEIR OWN MENTAL WASTE.

While some of the linked examples are simply funny, the others speak a horrible truth about our culture.  For example, did you see the one about the person who just sold “antenna balls” online and made f’ing millions?  What people don’t know is that there is an entire digital mechanism driving this e-commerce (as business people like to think of it) that is hell bent on getting your Doritos scarfing ass to fork over your small amounts of money until you have mountains of garbage to add to the already terrible garbage problem we HAVE NOT ADEQUATELY ADDRESSED!

Jiftus Rhithalixe.

today i die

i am leaving.  Whoops!  I’m back.  Shit, that was fast.  Did I already write this?

this is confusing.  there’s no joy to be had in time.  we must run from it.  if we adapt our bodies to night/day, light/dark chaos it could possibly save the species.  we must adapt our enjoyments or risk losing enjoyment as a motivator.  human creativity is suffocating itself to death, we must fight soon.  time is a motherfucker not to be trifled with, but, how did it get this power?  i smell an oppressor.  i’ll be first and zealous in the slaying of the defenders of time.   defenders of quantity and measurement.  they are the evilest, vilest and most sinister lot, those, while they undo our creative instinct, molding it with time.

fight this bullshit oppressor however you can.  write fiction on office time.  have everyone on your block get night jobs and have bar b-ques after work at 7am.  get a tivo.  sell your tivo.  make your own bread.  spazz out about nothing in the most loving way you can and then hide in the bathroom.  find peace in rejecting zen.  make samyama on the mundane.

Most important, give yourself a chance.

back to school

Don’t read this if you’re not a voyeur, it’s going to be very uninteresting and journal-ish.  I may just be documenting this for my own decompression’s sake.

Mondays are going to be very tough for the next 13 weeks.  I learned that today.  I (should) get up at 6:45, work until 2:30, go to classes from 3-8:30, and then brave the bus or take the not-so-scenic 40 minute walk home.  I chose walking.  Now I am finally relaxed in my ‘fort’ with a glass of wine and some herbal platitude feeling the desire to write but not necessarily have to think about it.  I figured imnotme was the place to do just that.

So, this semester I am taking Intro To Writing Fiction and Asian Philosophy.  Both conceptual walks in the park, though I have been additionally blessed by two extroardinarily competent instructors who are also both gifted facilitators and lectors.  This, of course, translates into more challenging work, and more challenging work.  Not what I had hoped from the course titles.  I figured I could doodle my way to a 4.0 for the term.

Oh well.  A. and I have been living in the aforementioned ‘fort’, which is our office turned snuggle-pen via streaming netflix movies on my computer aimed at the bed that was not always in the middle of our office.  It’s a cramped, but cozy place.  So cozy we even watched 2 seasons of Family Ties.  And liked it.  This is also the only room in our ginormous apartment that has air-conditioning, which neither of us are huge proponents of, though it’s aided the desperate-crack-addict appetite we’ve had for fits of snuggling and various other pillow-and-blanket oriented tasks.

Getting high does improve both my writing, and my reading.  I’m sure of it.  Hehe.

I’m going to abandoned this now and go let my friend in the house.

ode to a pauper true

in another life I could appreciate whatever it is you need

in another mindframe I could look the other way

as you covet my family, I am not moved

as you scorn my ability, I am not moved

as you outfit and paint face, I am merely off-put

as you stand near my hearth I am merely guarded

for what is mine is unquestioned, but regard have you none

forked tongue peeks out behind bleached teeth

as you smile, intentions masked, yet obvious

a wretch pure and true, of all things beautiful:

a pauper through and through

controlled Schizophrenia

Edmond came down to lunch today. He set his copy of Lereaux down on the table and meekly grabbed a cup of coffee. Peter, James and I watched tensely as he sat down, head bent, lifting his eyes apologetically, or in embarrassment. Both I think.

“Good to see you” I said warmly. I offered him salmon on rye toast, his favorite, but he declined. When he spoke there was something missing from his voice. A force was gone. His was no longer the tone and projection of authority but of a bear who was broken in spirit and purpose. He said little but it was dense and heartfelt.

“I’ve missed you guys” he said without lifting his head. We had missed him too. Truthfully, we had talked about hoping in the back of our minds that things would not change. What would we do without wily old Edmond? He could be a pain, insufferable ass, zealous critic, yes. But to stop there would be to write off everything that made him so great to have around. He kept us on our toes. He could peg our bullshit fast and accurately. He was the debate master and nobody cared about losing to him because we knew the whole time that it wasn’t personal. Preservation of clarity in concept was his true passion and these arguments sought only this end to which we never felt merely the means.

He looked at me, then to the other two and softly admitted, “He does look better, doesn’t he” and retreated to his room again.  While we know it shouldn’t feel like a funeral, our solemn faces said it clearly.  The weight of this is on all of us.

edmond takes a walk

well, clearly, the reason you are so critical is because you have forgotten how to love. but prescribed love like he used to believe in was obviously just a set up for betrayal, and in it being prescribed, disingenuous. sure, extending unconditional love to all will open you up to pain, that is the burden you bear in exchange for the inner peace, but ask yourself, which is better? now you seek to qualify good or bad, which is a losing argument. negation is not such a powerful tool as you would like it to be. you can negate anything in your mind, but i defy you to negate the fact that you think. it’s true that i cannot negate my own consciousness, but i can still conceive of its impermanence and counter any assertion without being false. Indeed, not false, but invalid. you put in a false premise and arrive at a true conclusion, that much you learned in your first year of logic. well, would you have me just start going to church and abiding religiously by principals that i do not truly believe in? I would have you take the progress you have made throughout the years and reflect well upon it, and, I would also have you recognize that the ideas behind this progress are no longer causing progress. you and i both know that i am too proud to drop all of the identity i have assumed and live selflessly among those who would never appreciate it. you are not truthfully concerned with no person appreciating your true self, you want everyone to like you and cannot accept that others also have strengths. you are not special any more than you are unique, so to betray your spirit in this matter would be to succumb to vanity. but i am not vain. no, not outwardly, but what you say carries less weight than the evidence, which is ample now, that you are driven nearly mad by the idea that someone you love might appreciate a characteristic that another posses, and furthermore, that the person in question may indeed have a strength that would kill you to admit was a weakness of yours. so you mean to suggest that i demand that everytone think i am the best at everything? ludicrous. i do not demand to be the best welder, senator, fisherman, painter, orator… there are millions of things that i do not care to hold a title to. all things that bear no meaning to you. you are not interested in welding, and therefore you could really care less if there is such a welder on the planet that could have created an art form from the beauty and perfection of their welding. that is easy enough for you to praise for you have no stake in it. however, consider the things you really want to be appreciated for: genius, adaptability, quickness of analysis and product; with your lover it’s your body and how they perceive your attitude, sense of humor, anything that might attract them to another heterosexual male. yes, but it is reasonable that one would operate under such exclusive terms when the relationship is meant to be taken to one’s death. i do not pay intimate attentions to other women and for good reason. as much as i could nit-pick that statement, i do know what you are getting at here, but that’s not the point. even these minor offenses you speak of are no grounds for the amazing panic and disdain that rises up within you so that you heart races and you want to get away from everything. but if i am just waiting to find out that i let myself relax and trust only to one day find out otherwise… well, in this situation it would be disastrous. ok, fine. continue on your current course and see if you don’t lose what you thought you were protecting anyway. don’t be sarcastic. very well, i love you edmond, you are dear to me like none other, but you have to let the others have their share. you cannot keep this control you were never meant to have over him. even he has told me that he wants things to change, and that while everyone appreciates you for your true value, he wants to center and he wants to do it peacefully, with your cooperation. let go of your pride and let yourself love again.

i need some time with this.

sure thing.